Wednesday, January 07, 2009


You know what I think we should do to solve the crisis in Gaza? I say we get a whole bunch of 747s and take out all of the seats so they can hold 1000 people each. Then we land them at Gaza Yasser Arafat International Airport (GZA), and when the stairways drive up we have a State Department official come out of each plane with a big stack of Green Cards. And then anybody who wants to can get on the planes, and we fly them all to Montana or Wyoming where we give them a big chunk of federal land that is twice the size of the current state of Israel, and everybody gets a brand-new doublewide with water/sewer hookup and premium cable.

Because you have to figure that despite all the rhetoric, a good percentage of Gazans have got to be saying to themselves, "Dude, death to Israel and all that, but this sucks. I'm living 6 to a room, my ass is full of shrapnel, and my mom wants me to blow myself up over some orange grove my grandfather supposedly owned in '48. In America, they have this shopping mall with a roller coaster right inside the goddamn food court. And also they have these chairs where you put in a dollar and the chair gives you a massage, but nobody even uses them because you can sit in the one at the Brookstone for free. And there are these machines that mix Coke with crushed ice and you drink it with a straw, but it's a special staw that opens into a little spoon at the bottom so you can scoop the ice out instead if that's what you want to do. Whereas here, the electricity works three hours a day and Hamas confiscated my spoon. Also, in America, there's this MTV show called 'A Double Shot at Love,' where twelve straight guys and twelve lesbians all live in the same house with these bisexual twin sisters. And every week the twins have to eliminate some of the guys and some of the lesbians, and at the end the winners and the twins have a big double wedding in a hot tub. Dude, screw orange groves."

I'm just saying.


  1. The Brookstone at our mega-mall closed (I presume we can blame Bush). I'd be all for putting some refugees into the space and filming a reality show.

  2. 1. How are you not Secretary of State?

    2. My favorite thing about your plan is that you want to relocate these people to the vicinity of the giant supervolcano that has been rumbling lately and may destroy us all.

    3. I went to the Mall of America many times during my misspent youth, but was never allowed to go on any of the rides. I'm still trying to get over it.

  3. Great idea! And with no snide asides about reality shows or valcanos. I would be all for accepting them as refugies into America and helping them become real citizens.

    Interestingly enough, some Arab prince at one time or another rehtorically asked how we would like it if a largish group of Jews were to take over an Isrial-sized chunk of Texas and proclaim it the Jewish homeland.

    It isn't at all practical for a variety of reasons, but if it would bring peace, I would be all for giving a nice big plot of America for that purpose and relocating Jews world-wide.


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