Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Maryland Marriage Equality: Some Noteworthy Secular Objections

To: Honorable Members, Maryland House of Delegates

From: Holy Prepuce

In anticipation of Friday’s vote on the marriage equality bill, you will no doubt desire the benefit of public comment on the measure. Not all of you were able to attend the bill’s House Judiciary Committee hearing. Committee hearings are streamed on the Internet, but surely no one but an obsessive-compulsive state government groupie would record the audio, transfer it to his MP3 player, and listen to all 8+ hours.

I did. As the hearing was not transcribed, I have taken it upon myself to distill for you some highlights.

The standard arguments for and against same-sex marriage are so well-worn that there is little point in going over them again. And while some rather novel religious arguments were offered, all fall within the familiar heading that God wants you to vote No and you’d really do better not to piss off God.

Instead, I bring to your attention some of the more original and surprising secular arguments marshaled by opponents, because you may not have thought of these:

1. If the bill passes, the Eastern Shore will be forced to secede from the state of Maryland. Quite possibly Western and Southern Maryland will secede also.

2. A marriage can involve many things, such as holding hands, going hiking, or watching football. The word “homosexual” describes just one thing: sex. To talk about “homosexual marriage,” just because a husband and wife can have sex and two men can also have sex, makes no more sense than to talk about about “hand-holding marriage,” “hiking marriage,” or “football marriage.”

3. The availability of marriage will cause gay couples to move to Maryland. Because gay couples can’t have children, their children can’t grow up to become Maryland taxpayers. Therefore Maryland’s tax revenue will suffer -- something we can’t afford in this recession.

4. If we have same-sex marriage in Maryland, nine- and ten-year-old boys in public schools will be taught to urinate on each other for sexual gratification.

5. The Greeks allowed homosexuality, and they were conquered by the Romans. The Romans allowed homosexuality, and they were overrun by barbarians. The same thing could happen in Maryland.

Fatti maschil, Parole femine
, Honorable Members.



  1. HP, hat's off to you for discovering those gems (?). Your sacrifice for our entertainment is noted & approved.

  2. were these seriously argued? That's madness.
    For some (slightly) more sane commentary may I point you to the latest "Lawyer to Lawyer" podcast?

    Only slightly more sane at the end though, where the conservative speaker basically said that if we allow same-sex marriage there will be no way to prevent legalizing polygamy and since Muslims are polygamists, our borders will be flooded with Muslim immigrant hordes wanting to take our jobs and blow up our buildings.

    (how much would it cost to get that mp3 transcribed?)

  3. 1- God I hope so :D
    2- Is that an argument for? or against? I can't tell.
    3- How long is this recession expected to last?
    4- You mean that's not already an official part of the curriculum?
    5- I have seen the Barbarians, and we are they!

  4. Scuto bonæ voluntatis tuæ coronasti nos.

  5. This is:

    1. Depressing
    2. Hilarious
    3. Majorly F'd Up


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