Guidelines for Those Who Wish to Record Their Child's Birth on Film

As the arrival of young Miss P. draws near, I thought it might be of interest to share with you the hospital's policy on cameras in the delivery room:

Some couples may wish to photograph or videotape the delivery in the LDR room. The hospital is sensitive to this desire and has developed guidelines for those who wish to record their child's birth on film:

• Video cameras are to be used only for an uncomplicated vaginal delivery.

• If the mother requires an anesthesiologist, any procedure performed by that physician (such as placement of an epidural anesthetic) is not to be photographed or videotaped. It is important, and in the patient's best interest, that these physicians be allowed to concentrate on these delicate procedures without the intrusion of being photographed or videotaped.

• If a physician or nurse is required to perform any procedure on the infant after delivery (such as suctioning or emergency resuscitation), that person may not be videotaped or photographed for the same reasons.

"In the patient's best interest" is here used in the same sense that my credit card company axed most of my free benefits "in an effort to serve me better." But then, I suppose it would be indecorous for the guidelines to read, "our malpractice carrier has advised us that, with respect to the procedures most likely to leave you paralyzed and your baby a vegetable should we fuck them up, it is in our best interest that your husband not stroll out with Plaintiff's Exhibit A in his camcorder."