Sinulator: The End of History

My friends, we have reached the end of history. As evidence, I present to you the Sinulator. (Do NOT click on this link at work, and especially do not try out this demonstration at the office.)

What is the Sinulator? Only the definitive answer to the question "what is the ultimate purpose of the Internet?" It is a device that "installs in minutes and is easy to use"; one for which "the controls will work on just about anything (Mac, PC, Linux, Palm, WebTV, airport kiosk, etc.)." And what exactly will the Sinulator provide you with at said airport kiosk? Why nothing less than the capability to "call or email anyone anywhere and let them control your sex toy over the internet!"

According to the application for U.S. Patent No. 6,368,268, "Method and Device for Interactive Virtual Control of Sexual Aids Using Digital Computer Networks," humankind has hitherto lacked a means for performing this essential function:

A number of sexual stimulation aids or devices are currently offered that are controlled by a person for self-stimulation, or to stimulate a third party (the "recipient"). . . .

Stimulation devices have been developed that allow the operator to control the rate of stimulation, as well as other factors that affect the amount of stimulation imparted to the recipient. . . .

These stimulation aids, however, require that the operator directly engage the stimulation aid. Only several stimulation aids are known that allow the stimulation aid to be operated by a remote controller-type device, such as shown in U.S. Pat. No. 4,834,115 to Stewart entitled "Penile Constrictor Ring," . . . and U.S. Pat. No. 5,454,840 to Krakovsky et al. entitled "Potency Package."

Nonetheless, these prior art devices all have the disadvantage that the operator must be in close proximity to the recipient. . . . Thus, no system enables an operator to control a stimulation aid from a location remote from the recipient. . . .

Accordingly, it is a primary object of the invention to provide a system that permits an operator to have interactive control of a sexual aid used to stimulate a recipient that is remotely located from the operator.

Just in case the patent examiners might be confused as to the intended purpose of this device, the applicants provide the following scenario:

By way of example for illustrative purposes, one can envision that a user at the first user interface (10) is using a joy stick to control a stimulation aid located at the second user interface (30). An event might be the user moving the joy stick upwards, or pressing a button. If the stimulation aid is a massager, the movement of the joy stick upwards might generate a control signal to move the massager forward. If, on the other hand, the selected stimulation aid is a penile stimulator having a stroking mechanism, movement of the joy stick upwards may generate a control signal to increase the rate of the stroking mechanism.

And to dispell any concerns that a power surge or short might bring a Sinulation session to a shocking halt, the applicants reassure the examiners that "[t]he remote transmitters (14, 34) preferably are either radio or infrared links that isolate the associated stimulation devices (15, 35) from dangerous current."

The folks at Sinulator.com have done a nice job of transforming design into action, providing a variety of, ahem, "user interfaces", a clever web-based control panel for your airport kiosk needs, a utility by which "performers" can put the control panel on their own live-cam paysites, and a convenient portal to such sites.

But I have to believe that these applications scratch only the surface of the Sinulator's potential. I want to see interfaces for Blackberry, Ipod, Friendster, Instant Messenger, and, what the hell, Wikipedia. I want to look in my Gmail Quick Contacts list, and see custom status messages like "onln bt in mtg--pls use setting 3 or blw."

As a final note of reassurance, I want to make clear that the Sinulator "works great over dial-up," "has been tested to meet FCC standards for both Home and Office use," and "arrives in a discreet brown box."